Location: Caerleon. Live siege
situation currently in progress inside badly decorated two-up, two-down.
Situation: Male, IC1, 36, has captured small cloud
and bundled it into badly decorated house. Neighbours report his name is
'Darragh'. Appears severely distressed and suffering from excess
Armed police arriving and taking up position around house and on
Officer in charge: DCI Adam Salt - beginning negotiations.
Salt: 'We know you're in there Darragh. Release
the cloud and you won't get hurt.'
Darr: 'Up yours, copper! Tell your men to back
off, or the cloud gets it!'
Salt: 'What is it you want, Darragh?'
Darr: 'I want to see the eclipse of the moon. Those
bastards up there ruined the one in Cornwall, they're not going to spoil
Salt (stalling): 'It's going to take time to
arrange something like that, Darragh. I'll have to clear it with my
boss. Maybe even with the Met.'
Darr: 'Go ahead copper. You've got until 18:42.'
Salt (aside to colleague): 'I don't like the way that
occluded front is forming over the hills behind us. Things could turn
da Fluffit on the line.'
Colleague: 'Mezula da Fluffit? The cloud guy?'
Salt (irriatably): 'Of course Mezula da Fluffit. How
many other cloud-control experts do you know called da Fluffit?'
Salt (through megaphone): 'Darragh?'
Darr: 'What do you want now, copper?'
Salt (soothingly): 'You know, when I was a little
boy, my mother would often tell me that there were things I couldn't
have. We all face disappointment in our lives but, you know, sometimes
it can help if we just take a deep breath.'
Darr: 'Shut it, copper! I know what you're trying to do,
and it won't work! I've got a kettle in here, and I'm not afraid to use
Salt (to colleague): 'He's got a kettle.'
Colleague (grimly): 'I heard, sir. Da Fluffit's
on the line now sir.'
Salt (to da Fluffit): 'Do you know this Darragh guy,
Mezula: 'I'm afraid I do, Inspector. We've been
monitoring him ever since he threatened one of our employees with an
Orgone Powered Cloudbuster. He's pretty paranoid. I wouldn't chance
Salt: 'He claims he's got a kettle in there.'
Mezula (long pause): 'Do you think he'll use it?'
Salt: 'I don't know. But what I do know is there's a
pretty ugly looking bunch of Cumulostratus turned up on the scene. We're
having trouble holding them back. I'm worried they might descend on
Mezula: 'Things could get foggy.'
Salt: 'Exactly. I need you down here, da Fluffit.
Mezula: 'Be right there.'
Da Fluffit descends on small Cirrus with personalized plates.
Mezula: 'Okay, Inspector. What are his demands?'
Salt: 'He wants to see the eclipse of the moon.'
Mezula: 'You're not going to give in to him, are
Salt: 'No way.'
Mezula: 'Because if you do you know where it will
lead, don't you? Every nutter with a kettle will be demanding sunny-days
and red-sky at night, and all manner of things. Who knows where it could
Salt (grimly): 'I know. Half these people will only
be happy when we're living in some kind of dried-up, sunny, namby-pamby
paradise world. They're living in cloud-cuckoo land if you ask me.'
Mezula: 'Don't knock cloud-cuckoo land, Inspector.
Some of my best friends.'
Salt (interrupting): 'Alright, alright. I'm sorry. No
offence, Mezula, but dealing with these crazies day-in, day-out makes me
a little cloudist sometimes, you know?.'
Mezula: 'So what's the plan, Inspector?'
Salt: 'I'm going to count to three and then we're
going to break the door down and kick the bacteria out of him.'
Mezula: 'Sounds good. Just make sure he doesn't get a
chance to use that kettle.'
Salt (through megaphone): 'Darragh? Release the cloud
or we're coming in.'
Salt waves his men forward.
Salt: 'Not you, Mezula. We can handle it from here.
Seeing you might just...'
Mezula: 'Tip him over the edge?'
Salt and the armed response team kick the door down and charge
inside. Cloud rushes out. Minutes later they emerge dragging kidnapper
Salt (to Mezula, throwing down empty kettle): 'Wasn't even
loaded. What a jerk.'
Mezula (clouds parting behind head, rays of sunshine glowing around
him): 'Be gentle with him, Inspector. He's a sick man, a very
Darr (being shoved into van): 'Next time, da Fluffit!
Rain Rage and how to control it.
3 in a
N.H.S was embroiled in a fresh scandal today when it was
discovered that they are now operating a 3 in a bed system to
overcome the problem of the ever lengthening waiting list.
sources told us "The new system seemed to be working well
until the little one said "Roll over" and so they all
rolled over and one fell out".
Minister in charge promised a full investigation as soon as he
had stopped laughing.
Cloudkissing.com. We go behind the scenes.
feeling too good?
the Dirt on Darragh!
us your stories!
Free Cloud offered for the best
- Man or Myth?
Pisceans will be very happy today.
The rest of you might as well stay in bed!